Thursday, September 4, 2008

Saucer of Milk: Table Two.


If you saw more than 5 seconds of this week's episode, you KNOW Kenley was PMSing....but what's Heidi's excuse for the extra eye rolls?

P.S. I love how you can add, "but that's just me," to the end of any criticism, and it's automatically less bitchy. Let's try! "Heidi, I think you're a wee bit too old to wear as many sequined mini-skirts as you do....but that's just me..."


Spies Like Us

First of all, I would like to assert my firm belief that Tim Gunn and Diane Von Furstenberg are, or were, at some point, involved in a torrid, romantic love affair. I know what you're thinking...but, excuse me, ALL human beings - straight, gay, young, old, fashion forward, or tranny mess - get aroused at the sight of a DVF wrap dress. That's just science. And the way Tim gazes at Diane, and the obvious degree to which he admires her talent (and by talent, I mean LEGS)...well, it's straight out of a romance novel.
(Watch those hands, Timothy!)

Now, what's straight out of a horror film, was my expression upon seeing most of the designers' work this week. Sweet Betty, designers...this is THE Diane Von Furstenberg! The only one who seemed to except the gravity of this challenge, whilst floating above the pressure, was, per ush, the darling Leanne.
Um, WOW. I have not pined for a dress this badly since the red, slinky number from Santino's final collection. And this one is available in mass production! For the bargain basement price of.....


Yikes. Moving on. The dress was a hit, for sure, and the jacket was cute, although, totally mis-matched. Don't get me wrong, it's adorable. I mean, if it weren't, would Jillian Lewis have worn the exact same thing on every single episode last season?!

Aha, Leanne! Thought you fooled us, huh? Everyone knows you just found Jillian's old sweater under your work table and threw it over your model's shoulders at the last minute! This would ordinarily be an auf-able offense, BUT, I may be willing to keep my mouth shut if you send me one of those dresses for FREE!  K? Great. Deal.

I would've preferred Korto's jacket on Leanne's dress, but grey sweaters aside, the win was well-deserved.  Still...where was the competition?  Kenley's?  Really?
Puh-lease. These two, with Joe's drag suit in the middle, look like a couple of extras from (insert flamboyant Broadway musical of your choice here). I'm glad, for Kenley's tear ducts, that Diane liked her dress, but I feel like Heidi made some good points. I mean...that's it? Just a dress...and kind of a simple one at that? It's cute, but...I'm underwhelmed. Let's cut down on the tears and beef up the talent next week, mmk?

Of course, I really can't complain about Kenley's dress without mentioning the absolute stink-bombs from Joe and Stella. Good God, they're downright offensive!
Ugh, I've just vomited in my mouth. The worst part of this whole monstrosity was Joe's enthusiasm for the look. False, the worst part of this whole monstrosity was the HOLE IN THE BACK...but his enthusiasm for such a heinous POS is stomach churning. And Stella? Come on guys, the giant clock on the workroom wall said it was definitely her time to jet. It was probably her time a few weeks ago, but I'm glad we got the chance to know her a bit more....I even have a new respect for biker chic now.  Again, false....but she did turn out to be a sweetheart!  (And if you want a pic of her losing design, get over to am NOT putting that cape on this blog.  Blech.)

Next week's order of business? Blayne and Jerrel. What on Earth are they still doing here? Both seem to subscribe to the philosophy of "If you can't beat 'em, make 'em laugh at the absurdity of your garment!" Exhibits A and B:

Haaaaaaa! Oh boys, you know I love you, but....clock's tickin'....

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Live-Blogging in a DVF wrap dress

Sike, I wish I owned me one of those. I'm wearing a lycra cotton blend dress from an Elder Beerman in Dayton, Ohio. Alright, let's do this.

8:54: Poor Utah. No more Keith!
8:55: Roommate is leaving to get papertowels from Target.
8:56: Last 5 minutes of Bones before we change this channel FOREVER. They are speaking in British accents and saying things like, "..., your grace." I thought this show was set in DC.
8:59: "Ew they were doin it and shit."-- Roommate Lindsey recapping Bones for me.
9:00: Project Runway. Oh, I forgot about the car guy from last week and his accent.
9:01: Leanimal go ahead girl! 
"There is criticisms and there is insults. And then, there is Keiths."
9:02: Oh Gawd, Stella looks good in a bikini. Don't front like you wouldn't want to look like that at her age.
9:03: Suede is nervous about the first day with his new roommates. Suede doesn't like Suede's new roommates but Suede is glad to be stayin alive.
9:04: By the end of this season, Heidi will have worn enough fabric to make 1 whole outfit, if you combine all her outfits into one.
9:05: Leanimal: "Legend. That means old right?"
9:06: Blayne wants to marry Mary Kate? For real? Their babies would be awesome.
9:06: That entrance was legendary! Kenley is upset by the legendaryness of the whole thing!
9:06: DVF is confusing the designers with this challenge already. Tim sets everyone up for failure. Designers freak out, understandably.
9:07: Oh no, you have to have an American Express card to buy the winning dress. Presumably, an American Express card with some money on it because you all know that shizz aint cheap.
9:08: Kenley is just... she's tripping.
9:09: Designers are throwing DVF's "babies" all over the place.
9:10: Terri rocks. She makes some sick pants too.
9:11: Blayne looks for MKO in the lookbook.
9:11: Peanut gallery in my living room: "Yikes" re: Suede's sketch.
9:12: Blayne is talking trash about Terri's pants. He's obviously jealo because he has never worn a pair of "pants" in his life, and maybe wonders what it feels like to be in hot Terri pant.
9:13: Kenley is putting a lot of pressure on herself. We are worried.

9:17: Commercial. Back to Bones. They are apparently still hanging out at the British embassy in DC. Oh look there's Embassy Row.
9:18: Living Room re: Jerrell's sketch: "How hard is it to design a glamorous thing? Like, honestly."
9:19: Joe remembers what color won for him last time. Craziest hottest pink. Oh dear.
9:20: Leanimal reveals she has not traveled outside of Portland, AS HERSELF.
9:22: Tim tells Suede that "visually" he's not getting it. But he's getting it ... psychically? Make it work, Suede. 
9:24: Joe's outfit so far... HATED IT.
9:25: Everyone in America is blinded for two seconds after seeing Korto's fabric in motion.
9:26: "This woman, she's traveling, right? She's a traveler right? She's from Paris? Ok?" Gawd, I love Steller.
9:26: Stella in her head: "What is bigger than big?" Outloud: "Huge."
9:27: Kenley agrees, through tears, that designing for DVF is "huge" compared to designing for KMart or Wal-Mart.
9:30: I'm not sure about Stella's outfit but her makeup looks really good under that interview light. I am a Stella convert.
9:31: Living room: "Look at all that leather, man." Yep.
9:32: Tim + DVF are BFF 4ever.
9:33: Lindsey wonders why she thought Kenley was 21 last episode because now she's 25.
9:34: Wow, models are like, really pretty.
9:35: Leanimal thinks, and we agree, that Joe forgot to make part of his outfit.
9:38: Kenley starts crying at the mention of DVF.
9:40: Leanimal's is beautiful, no?
9:42: Blayne is tan.
9:43: Jerrell's crazy hat makes it through to the next round.
9:44: Michael Kors asks Joe what was she thinking.
9:45: DVF likes Kenley's dress, Kenley doesn't hear her because she keeps asking DVF if she "nailed it."
9:47: Heidi likes Leanimal, is pulling for anyone but Kenley.
9:48: Not going to lie I kind of like Suede's jacket. Lindsey kind of likes, "none of it."
9:49: This living room likes Leanimal's the best, we think.
9:50: "Let's be honest," love that Michael Kors.
9:51: Commercial. DVF commercial is pretty-like! Living room wonders how old DVF is.
9:52: I bet this nice piano music plays whenever DVF enters a room. That's what legend means, people.
9:53: "My Best Friend's Girl" looks SO DUMB.
9:54: Living room asks what kind of world we must live in if Dane Cook gets to be a movie star.
9:55: Seriously, does anyone do those text surveys? Ok, fine, Venus Schnitzel! 
9:56: Go ahead Leanimal! 2 in a row! Portland, USA! 
9:57: Oh no, one of my favorites is going home for sure. Like every week on this show.
9:58: Stella or Joe Stella or Joe Stella or Joe.
9:59: That WAS an ebullient departure, Tim. Bravo! See you next week when someone poops fabric. Can't wait.