Thursday, September 4, 2008

Saucer of Milk: Table Two.


If you saw more than 5 seconds of this week's episode, you KNOW Kenley was PMSing....but what's Heidi's excuse for the extra eye rolls?

P.S. I love how you can add, "but that's just me," to the end of any criticism, and it's automatically less bitchy. Let's try! "Heidi, I think you're a wee bit too old to wear as many sequined mini-skirts as you do....but that's just me..."


Spies Like Us

First of all, I would like to assert my firm belief that Tim Gunn and Diane Von Furstenberg are, or were, at some point, involved in a torrid, romantic love affair. I know what you're thinking...but, excuse me, ALL human beings - straight, gay, young, old, fashion forward, or tranny mess - get aroused at the sight of a DVF wrap dress. That's just science. And the way Tim gazes at Diane, and the obvious degree to which he admires her talent (and by talent, I mean LEGS)...well, it's straight out of a romance novel.
(Watch those hands, Timothy!)

Now, what's straight out of a horror film, was my expression upon seeing most of the designers' work this week. Sweet Betty, designers...this is THE Diane Von Furstenberg! The only one who seemed to except the gravity of this challenge, whilst floating above the pressure, was, per ush, the darling Leanne.
Um, WOW. I have not pined for a dress this badly since the red, slinky number from Santino's final collection. And this one is available in mass production! For the bargain basement price of.....


Yikes. Moving on. The dress was a hit, for sure, and the jacket was cute, although, totally mis-matched. Don't get me wrong, it's adorable. I mean, if it weren't, would Jillian Lewis have worn the exact same thing on every single episode last season?!

Aha, Leanne! Thought you fooled us, huh? Everyone knows you just found Jillian's old sweater under your work table and threw it over your model's shoulders at the last minute! This would ordinarily be an auf-able offense, BUT, I may be willing to keep my mouth shut if you send me one of those dresses for FREE!  K? Great. Deal.

I would've preferred Korto's jacket on Leanne's dress, but grey sweaters aside, the win was well-deserved.  Still...where was the competition?  Kenley's?  Really?
Puh-lease. These two, with Joe's drag suit in the middle, look like a couple of extras from (insert flamboyant Broadway musical of your choice here). I'm glad, for Kenley's tear ducts, that Diane liked her dress, but I feel like Heidi made some good points. I mean...that's it? Just a dress...and kind of a simple one at that? It's cute, but...I'm underwhelmed. Let's cut down on the tears and beef up the talent next week, mmk?

Of course, I really can't complain about Kenley's dress without mentioning the absolute stink-bombs from Joe and Stella. Good God, they're downright offensive!
Ugh, I've just vomited in my mouth. The worst part of this whole monstrosity was Joe's enthusiasm for the look. False, the worst part of this whole monstrosity was the HOLE IN THE BACK...but his enthusiasm for such a heinous POS is stomach churning. And Stella? Come on guys, the giant clock on the workroom wall said it was definitely her time to jet. It was probably her time a few weeks ago, but I'm glad we got the chance to know her a bit more....I even have a new respect for biker chic now.  Again, false....but she did turn out to be a sweetheart!  (And if you want a pic of her losing design, get over to am NOT putting that cape on this blog.  Blech.)

Next week's order of business? Blayne and Jerrel. What on Earth are they still doing here? Both seem to subscribe to the philosophy of "If you can't beat 'em, make 'em laugh at the absurdity of your garment!" Exhibits A and B:

Haaaaaaa! Oh boys, you know I love you, but....clock's tickin'....

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Live-Blogging in a DVF wrap dress

Sike, I wish I owned me one of those. I'm wearing a lycra cotton blend dress from an Elder Beerman in Dayton, Ohio. Alright, let's do this.

8:54: Poor Utah. No more Keith!
8:55: Roommate is leaving to get papertowels from Target.
8:56: Last 5 minutes of Bones before we change this channel FOREVER. They are speaking in British accents and saying things like, "..., your grace." I thought this show was set in DC.
8:59: "Ew they were doin it and shit."-- Roommate Lindsey recapping Bones for me.
9:00: Project Runway. Oh, I forgot about the car guy from last week and his accent.
9:01: Leanimal go ahead girl! 
"There is criticisms and there is insults. And then, there is Keiths."
9:02: Oh Gawd, Stella looks good in a bikini. Don't front like you wouldn't want to look like that at her age.
9:03: Suede is nervous about the first day with his new roommates. Suede doesn't like Suede's new roommates but Suede is glad to be stayin alive.
9:04: By the end of this season, Heidi will have worn enough fabric to make 1 whole outfit, if you combine all her outfits into one.
9:05: Leanimal: "Legend. That means old right?"
9:06: Blayne wants to marry Mary Kate? For real? Their babies would be awesome.
9:06: That entrance was legendary! Kenley is upset by the legendaryness of the whole thing!
9:06: DVF is confusing the designers with this challenge already. Tim sets everyone up for failure. Designers freak out, understandably.
9:07: Oh no, you have to have an American Express card to buy the winning dress. Presumably, an American Express card with some money on it because you all know that shizz aint cheap.
9:08: Kenley is just... she's tripping.
9:09: Designers are throwing DVF's "babies" all over the place.
9:10: Terri rocks. She makes some sick pants too.
9:11: Blayne looks for MKO in the lookbook.
9:11: Peanut gallery in my living room: "Yikes" re: Suede's sketch.
9:12: Blayne is talking trash about Terri's pants. He's obviously jealo because he has never worn a pair of "pants" in his life, and maybe wonders what it feels like to be in hot Terri pant.
9:13: Kenley is putting a lot of pressure on herself. We are worried.

9:17: Commercial. Back to Bones. They are apparently still hanging out at the British embassy in DC. Oh look there's Embassy Row.
9:18: Living Room re: Jerrell's sketch: "How hard is it to design a glamorous thing? Like, honestly."
9:19: Joe remembers what color won for him last time. Craziest hottest pink. Oh dear.
9:20: Leanimal reveals she has not traveled outside of Portland, AS HERSELF.
9:22: Tim tells Suede that "visually" he's not getting it. But he's getting it ... psychically? Make it work, Suede. 
9:24: Joe's outfit so far... HATED IT.
9:25: Everyone in America is blinded for two seconds after seeing Korto's fabric in motion.
9:26: "This woman, she's traveling, right? She's a traveler right? She's from Paris? Ok?" Gawd, I love Steller.
9:26: Stella in her head: "What is bigger than big?" Outloud: "Huge."
9:27: Kenley agrees, through tears, that designing for DVF is "huge" compared to designing for KMart or Wal-Mart.
9:30: I'm not sure about Stella's outfit but her makeup looks really good under that interview light. I am a Stella convert.
9:31: Living room: "Look at all that leather, man." Yep.
9:32: Tim + DVF are BFF 4ever.
9:33: Lindsey wonders why she thought Kenley was 21 last episode because now she's 25.
9:34: Wow, models are like, really pretty.
9:35: Leanimal thinks, and we agree, that Joe forgot to make part of his outfit.
9:38: Kenley starts crying at the mention of DVF.
9:40: Leanimal's is beautiful, no?
9:42: Blayne is tan.
9:43: Jerrell's crazy hat makes it through to the next round.
9:44: Michael Kors asks Joe what was she thinking.
9:45: DVF likes Kenley's dress, Kenley doesn't hear her because she keeps asking DVF if she "nailed it."
9:47: Heidi likes Leanimal, is pulling for anyone but Kenley.
9:48: Not going to lie I kind of like Suede's jacket. Lindsey kind of likes, "none of it."
9:49: This living room likes Leanimal's the best, we think.
9:50: "Let's be honest," love that Michael Kors.
9:51: Commercial. DVF commercial is pretty-like! Living room wonders how old DVF is.
9:52: I bet this nice piano music plays whenever DVF enters a room. That's what legend means, people.
9:53: "My Best Friend's Girl" looks SO DUMB.
9:54: Living room asks what kind of world we must live in if Dane Cook gets to be a movie star.
9:55: Seriously, does anyone do those text surveys? Ok, fine, Venus Schnitzel! 
9:56: Go ahead Leanimal! 2 in a row! Portland, USA! 
9:57: Oh no, one of my favorites is going home for sure. Like every week on this show.
9:58: Stella or Joe Stella or Joe Stella or Joe.
9:59: That WAS an ebullient departure, Tim. Bravo! See you next week when someone poops fabric. Can't wait.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Shameless Wonkette live-blogging rip-off, postponed!

In honor of the hard-working, live-blogging talents at -- the only people in the universe who can write things that will make me laugh at 9:45 in the morning -- I'm going to live-blog tonight's next week's episode. These are historic times friends, and I'm addicted to MSNBC. 

Also, what can I say, them there time zones done confused me. Once I figured out what the hell time it was, I realized I'm too excited to see Bill and Biden speak to blog about how Joe's immunity will no doubt save him from otherwise certain doom tonight (I mean, I'm guessing).  

Even still! I will see you on the Stunway! 

But no seriously, this shit is funny. Hit refresh, biddies. 

Friday, August 22, 2008

Whatcha know Joe

"It's so far out of my realm that it takes me a good 10 minutes before I could really ... and still, I don't think I can get it really. I have to approach it as if I was making a Halloween costume for my daughters."
No offense, but are Joe's daughters 7-foot tall middle-aged male New Yorkers? Because he seemed to have no trouble with this challenge, despite his initial worries. At one point, it looked like his head may explode.

But we all know what happens, which is why we've gathered together today on Planet Blogosphere.

Marthe knows it's embarrassing. Suede knows it's embarrassing. But it's just something we've got to do, lambs. And, like horribly unfortunate photo montages at weddings and other family events, we should have known it was coming. Project Runway finally breaks the spirit of a good and decent straight man, and the moment must be recognized as an official Project Runway holiday. From now on, no school on August 20ths.

Ladies and gentleladies, I give you, the main event, Joe Detroit, a life in pictures.

Cracking up begins around 7:30 a.m.

Talking shit about Keith by 7:45 a.m.

Dancing in Ann-Margret's bra by lunchtime.

If one day we ever manage to get the image of a guy who looks a lot like our Dads dancing around in Ann-Margret's bra out of our heads-- we will have to give Joe his propers. He ends up having more fun than anyone, makes an appallingly ugly outfit, delights the judges, and wins!

Go ahead with yourself Joe!

But, sorry, I still think Terri got robbed. What does it take for a black woman to get ahead in America, people, for real?

All that and more coming up. 

Oh, Rudy! 

Thursday, August 21, 2008

"I think I need those boots."

Sometimes, a challenge such as making costumes for female wrestlers, or for not-so-female entertainers, makes the audience scratch their collective head and go, "But what does this have to do with fashion?"  To those viewers, I say..."exactly!"  It has nothing to do with fashion, mes amis.  It's up to the designer to inject their aesthetic in to the challenge.  Those who can, go on, and those who resist, are auf.  The best contestants make us see something that we can appreciate or admire, even when it's draped around a 7 foot tall drag queen.  For instance, Ann-Margret?  I want that belt!  And Kabuki princess?  MK needs those boots, please.
I gotta say, I was impressed with a lot of the designers this week.  (As previously stated, I swooned for Joe's jumpsuit.)  But some of them?  Notsomuch.  Terri has become somewhat of an enigma to me.  At first, I was screaming for the judges to recognize her talent.  But over the past few weeks, they've heeded my calls, yet, I've quit, um, calling.  I think she did a great job for her client (who was, by the way, kind of hot as a dude).  But it's just....
It's not pretty!  What's with the yellow strands?  Why the slab of silver on one leg?  I know, it's beyond me...because Nina lurved it, and MK thought it was Heaven...but I just do NOT get it.  All the same, props to Terri, cuz it flew over my head and into the judges' hearts...

I also kind of hated Jerrell's, but, for different reasons.  Mainly, that I have not seen one photo of his creation that didn't leave his queen looking like a munchkin:
SO not pretty.

And then, there's my girl Kenley, who played it pretty much safe this week. That's fine by me, but while I think she was going for Marilyn Monroe, she may have struck a chord closer to Rosemary Clooney....

Just saying.

And then, you have the three boys who have stuck to their guns from day one:

There's something to be said for continuity, unless what you're continually producing is neon, swatched, or boring.   Fellas, the jig is up....and it ain't pretty.  This week, Daniel, the repeat offender from the Republic of Cocktail Land, bit the dust...but if Keith and Blayne (yeah, I know he was safe this week, but that's only because Jerrell's outfit suuuuuucked) don't step outside their well-established comfort zones, they'll be next on the list...

The rest of the designers? They can keep on, keepin' on.  Especially Miss Korto.  Her skills for making people look like oversized produce came in handy this week, for real...

Loves it!

Hidden "Talent"

I LOVE this.

Praise Jeebus for the burst of inspiration from Joe's model, because without his/her help, this pink jumpsuit was headed straight to the bottom three. But the sailor theme kept Team Joe afloat...with immunity to boot! And may I just say, well freaking earned!  It's true, I'm partial to anything pink, and anything a pink sailor suit is, well, my dream halloween costume, actually, but still, this is clever.

And it hides the candy for Miss Marla! Fashion PLUS function! That's what it's all about, people.

Kudos, Joe.  More recaps to come...

Thursday, August 14, 2008

No, no...MY taste is impeccable.

Ugh, what a load of crap.  And I hate to say it, but Kelli's design belongs right there with 'em. Then again, so did, well, the rest of them. Except, of course, for Blayne's! Heeeere we go, kiddies....

First and foremost, good God, Kelli's outfit was heinous. Like, it was bad. Not bad as in good, bad as in skanky. And in NO way was it Daniel's fault. Is Kelli a better designer than Daniel? Yeah, probs, but dude....Daniel didn't put turquoise on your model's ta-tas. You did that! Perhaps oh ye of impeccable taste should have said something, but it's not like Kelli was listening to him, um, at all.

To me, this garment was beyond help - the flaws were not in the execution, but in the design. Number one: Brooke Shields mentioned that, well, she has hips, and we all know she's birthed a few kiddies in her day, so she probably wants to place the emphasis awaaaaaaaay from her mid-section, rather than having a jacket that lampoons out at the wasit, no? Beyond that, the top fit whore-ibly, the cuffs on the jacket looked silly, and, overall, I don't know what to tell was just...ugs.

Don't feel bad, Kelli, you weren't alone up there! Unfortch, you were up there with the wrong people.  Because, Blayne's design....bottom two?!  P'scuse! That was cute!!! Yeah, yeah, too casual...WHATEVER.  She had pearls on!
I guess I'm just mad because, in the last episode, we learned the lesson that it's perfectly alright to disregard the challenge, as long as your garment is cute in the end! Now you're telling me we have to listen to what the clients say?? How annoying! I feel like Blayne deserved serious props in this ep. HELLO -- this is the first wearable garment he's made! Holla atcha boi, Nina!  No?

Well, fine, I'd have to assume a lot of people will disagree with me on Blayne's design, but can we all concur that Korto should have been taken to task for that pumpkin-hued Aladdin number she threw out?!

What the haze? That jacket was straight up stupid.  And personally, I'd rather look like a slut than look like a sweet potato, but....perhaps that's just me.

My final comments go the the top two teams - for whom my praise is, um...restrained, at best. I didn't like Keith's skirt, but I have a difficult time criticizing Kenley, so I'll stop there. And I thought Jerella's design was a bit nuts, but if you're asking me if I could see this:

Wearing this:

The answer is, "BWAAHAHAHAHA! Um...yes."

You let it out, honey.

Yeeeeaaah, but the primary hole in this argument is that DANEIL SHOULD'VE WON THE FIRST CHALLENGE.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Back in the Game!

I have a confession to make:
I'm obsessed with DVR.

I'm also unemployed. One of those may have some influence on the other, but, no matter. What does matter is that I, too, am back, darlings! And not only am I back on the Stunway - I am sans job, and avec a whole queue of DVR'd Project Runway! Bliss doesn't quite capture my emotional's more like, ah yes, euphoria! And so, after my 17th viewing of "Rings of Glory," I have much to say...but let's start with this:

Hey, you! With the blue fauxhawk! Um, did you think we weren't going to notice this??

Um, no, honey...that's the same dress, with a different neckline. And it wasn't even as cleverly disguised as a Rami Kashou drape job, it was more like the slap-you-in-the-face, ohmigod-he-already-MADE-that variety, that we saw in last season's non-final finale...

Yeah, that's right, you hit us with the Chris March Madness! I guess it doesn't matter in the end, since Suede just joined the middle-of-the-pack desginers who completely blew off the challenge, but, still! Someone had to call out ol' diamond vest. So, I'm just saying,'re on notice.

The next notable designer, to me, is Kenley - that sweet, adorable hyena.  I am the least mad at her for totally ignoring the challenge because A) duh, I friend crush her and 2) I loved her outfit!  But...let's pause for a moment to imagine 250 of this walking down a track in China...
Ha! Oh, Ken, that would be ridic. I mean, not as ridic as Jerrell's, but....hey! That reminds me!  Everyone back off of Jerell! I LOVED his skirt (HATED his belt, but LOVED his skirt), so let's just chill on the J-bashing, k judges?
Uuuunnnnless the J in question is Joe, because, nothing great was ever achieved by a man who loves skorts. And his slight hints of passive-aggressivo and homophobia are not making him any friends in the workroom (or the audience).  So while he may have gotten a leg up through his dabble in sportswear, he earned a thumbs down for his workroom etiquette and personality en general.  Plus, come on, this is reality the end, we can likely forgive a silly design more easily than a crappy persona...
Exhibit Blayne! Blayne has decided to use the exact same color scheme and shoddy, asymmetrical workmanship in every challenge, and yet...I love. He pouts better than I do (a feat to be marveled at!), he doesn't know who the Beatles are, and the more his skin fades, the more I find him adorable. B, you can stay. For now.  Sorry, Ringo!

And finally, I have to hand it to Korto.  She got the challenge, she used innovative materials, and she created a garment that made me proud to be an American.  Dare I say it, I salute you, Miss Korto!  Keep up the good work....
...but go easy on Kenley, cuz I won't have nobody talking smack on my homegirl.