Shameless Wonkette live-blogging rip-off, postponed!

In honor of the hard-working, live-blogging talents at Wonkette.com -- the only people in the universe who can write things that will make me laugh at 9:45 in the morning -- I'm going to live-blog tonight's next week's episode. These are historic times friends, and I'm addicted to MSNBC. 

Also, what can I say, them there time zones done confused me. Once I figured out what the hell time it was, I realized I'm too excited to see Bill and Biden speak to blog about how Joe's immunity will no doubt save him from otherwise certain doom tonight (I mean, I'm guessing).  

Even still! I will see you on the Stunway! 

But no seriously, this shit is funny. Hit refresh, biddies. 

Whatcha know Joe

"It's so far out of my realm that it takes me a good 10 minutes before I could really ... and still, I don't think I can get it really. I have to approach it as if I was making a Halloween costume for my daughters."

No offense, but are Joe's daughters 7-foot tall middle-aged male New Yorkers? Because he seemed to have no trouble with this challenge, despite his initial worries. At one point, it looked like his head may explode.


But we all know what happens, which is why we've gathered together today on Planet Blogosphere.

Marthe knows it's embarrassing. Suede knows it's embarrassing. But it's just something we've got to do, lambs. And, like horribly unfortunate photo montages at weddings and other family events, we should have known it was coming. Project Runway finally breaks the spirit of a good and decent straight man, and the moment must be recognized as an official Project Runway holiday. From now on, no school on August 20ths.

Ladies and gentleladies, I give you, the main event, Joe Detroit, a life in pictures.

Cracking up begins around 7:30 a.m.

Talking shit about Keith by 7:45 a.m.

Dancing in Ann-Margret's bra by lunchtime.

If one day we ever manage to get the image of a guy who looks a lot like our Dads dancing around in Ann-Margret's bra out of our heads-- we will have to give Joe his propers. He ends up having more fun than anyone, makes an appallingly ugly outfit, delights the judges, and wins!

Go ahead with yourself Joe!

But, sorry, I still think Terri got robbed. What does it take for a black woman to get ahead in America, people, for real?

All that and more coming up. 

Oh, Rudy! 

"I think I need those boots."

Sometimes, a challenge such as making costumes for female wrestlers, or for not-so-female entertainers, makes the audience scratch their collective head and go, "But what does this have to do with fashion?"  To those viewers, I say..."exactly!"  It has nothing to do with fashion, mes amis.  It's up to the designer to inject their aesthetic in to the challenge.  Those who can, go on, and those who resist, are auf.  The best contestants make us see something that we can appreciate or admire, even when it's draped around a 7 foot tall drag queen.  For instance, Ann-Margret?  I want that belt!  And Kabuki princess?  MK needs those boots, please.

I gotta say, I was impressed with a lot of the designers this week.  (As previously stated, I swooned for Joe's jumpsuit.)  But some of them?  Notsomuch.  Terri has become somewhat of an enigma to me.  At first, I was screaming for the judges to recognize her talent.  But over the past few weeks, they've heeded my calls, yet, I've quit, um, calling.  I think she did a great job for her client (who was, by the way, kind of hot as a dude).  But it's just....

It's not pretty!  What's with the yellow strands?  Why the slab of silver on one leg?  I know, it's beyond me...because Nina lurved it, and MK thought it was Heaven...but I just do NOT get it.  All the same, props to Terri, cuz it flew over my head and into the judges' hearts...

I also kind of hated Jerrell's, but, for different reasons.  Mainly, that I have not seen one photo of his creation that didn't leave his queen looking like a munchkin:

SO not pretty.

And then, there's my girl Kenley, who played it pretty much safe this week. That's fine by me, but while I think she was going for Marilyn Monroe, she may have struck a chord closer to Rosemary Clooney....

Just saying.

And then, you have the three boys who have stuck to their guns from day one:

There's something to be said for continuity, unless what you're continually producing is neon, swatched, or boring.   Fellas, the jig is up....and it ain't pretty.  This week, Daniel, the repeat offender from the Republic of Cocktail Land, bit the dust...but if Keith and Blayne (yeah, I know he was safe this week, but that's only because Jerrell's outfit suuuuuucked) don't step outside their well-established comfort zones, they'll be next on the list...

The rest of the designers? They can keep on, keepin' on.  Especially Miss Korto.  Her skills for making people look like oversized produce came in handy this week, for real...

Loves it!

 

Hidden "Talent"

I LOVE this.

Praise Jeebus for the burst of inspiration from Joe's model, because without his/her help, this pink jumpsuit was headed straight to the bottom three. But the sailor theme kept Team Joe afloat...with immunity to boot! And may I just say, well freaking earned!  It's true, I'm partial to anything pink, and anything nautical....so a pink sailor suit is, well, my dream halloween costume, actually, but still, this is clever.

A LIFE PRESERVER BELT BUCKLE?! 

And it hides the candy for Miss Marla! Fashion PLUS function! That's what it's all about, people.

Kudos, Joe.  More recaps to come...

No, no...MY taste is impeccable.

Ugh, what a load of crap.  And I hate to say it, but Kelli's design belongs right there with 'em. Then again, so did, well, the rest of them. Except, of course, for Blayne's! Heeeere we go, kiddies....

First and foremost, good God, Kelli's outfit was heinous. Like, it was bad. Not bad as in good, bad as in skanky. And in NO way was it Daniel's fault. Is Kelli a better designer than Daniel? Yeah, probs, but dude....Daniel didn't put turquoise on your model's ta-tas. You did that! Perhaps oh ye of impeccable taste should have said something, but it's not like Kelli was listening to him, um, at all.

To me, this garment was beyond help - the flaws were not in the execution, but in the design. Number one: Brooke Shields mentioned that, well, she has hips, and we all know she's birthed a few kiddies in her day, so she probably wants to place the emphasis awaaaaaaaay from her mid-section, rather than having a jacket that lampoons out at the wasit, no? Beyond that, the top fit whore-ibly, the cuffs on the jacket looked silly, and, overall, I don't know what to tell you...it was just...ugs.

Don't feel bad, Kelli, you weren't alone up there! Unfortch, you were up there with the wrong people.  Because, Blayne's design....bottom two?!  P'scuse! That was cute!!! Yeah, yeah, too casual...WHATEVER.  She had pearls on!

I guess I'm just mad because, in the last episode, we learned the lesson that it's perfectly alright to disregard the challenge, as long as your garment is cute in the end! Now you're telling me we have to listen to what the clients say?? How annoying! I feel like Blayne deserved serious props in this ep. HELLO -- this is the first wearable garment he's made! Holla atcha boi, Nina!  No?

Well, fine, I'd have to assume a lot of people will disagree with me on Blayne's design, but can we all concur that Korto should have been taken to task for that pumpkin-hued Aladdin number she threw out?!

What the haze? That jacket was straight up stupid.  And personally, I'd rather look like a slut than look like a sweet potato, but....perhaps that's just me.

My final comments go the the top two teams - for whom my praise is, um...restrained, at best. I didn't like Keith's skirt, but I have a difficult time criticizing Kenley, so I'll stop there. And I thought Jerella's design was a bit nuts, but if you're asking me if I could see this:

Wearing this:

The answer is, "BWAAHAHAHAHA! Um...yes."

You let it out, honey.

Yeeeeaaah, but the primary hole in this argument is that DANEIL SHOULD'VE WON THE FIRST CHALLENGE.

One more reason to love Blayne...

...and Kenley!

Back in the Game!

I have a confession to make:

I'm obsessed with DVR.

I'm also unemployed. One of those may have some influence on the other, but, no matter. What does matter is that I, too, am back, darlings! And not only am I back on the Stunway - I am sans job, and avec a whole queue of DVR'd Project Runway! Bliss doesn't quite capture my emotional state...it's more like, ah yes, euphoria! And so, after my 17th viewing of "Rings of Glory," I have much to say...but let's start with this:

Hey, you! With the blue fauxhawk! Um, did you think we weren't going to notice this??

Um, no, honey...that's the same dress, with a different neckline. And it wasn't even as cleverly disguised as a Rami Kashou drape job, it was more like the slap-you-in-the-face, ohmigod-he-already-MADE-that variety, that we saw in last season's non-final finale...

Yeah, that's right, you hit us with the Chris March Madness! I guess it doesn't matter in the end, since Suede just joined the middle-of-the-pack desginers who completely blew off the challenge, but, still! Someone had to call out ol' diamond vest. So, I'm just saying, Suede...you're on notice.

The next notable designer, to me, is Kenley - that sweet, adorable hyena.  I am the least mad at her for totally ignoring the challenge because A) duh, I friend crush her and 2) I loved her outfit!  But...let's pause for a moment to imagine 250 of this walking down a track in China...

Ha! Oh, Ken, that would be ridic. I mean, not as ridic as Jerrell's, but....hey! That reminds me!  Everyone back off of Jerell! I LOVED his skirt (HATED his belt, but LOVED his skirt), so let's just chill on the J-bashing, k judges?

Uuuunnnnless the J in question is Joe, because, nothing great was ever achieved by a man who loves skorts. And his slight hints of passive-aggressivo and homophobia are not making him any friends in the workroom (or the audience).  So while he may have gotten a leg up through his dabble in sportswear, he earned a thumbs down for his workroom etiquette and personality en general.  Plus, come on, this is reality tv...in the end, we can likely forgive a silly design more easily than a crappy persona...

Exhibit Blayne! Blayne has decided to use the exact same color scheme and shoddy, asymmetrical workmanship in every challenge, and yet...I love. He pouts better than I do (a feat to be marveled at!), he doesn't know who the Beatles are, and the more his skin fades, the more I find him adorable. B, you can stay. For now.  Sorry, Ringo!

And finally, I have to hand it to Korto.  She got the challenge, she used innovative materials, and she created a garment that made me proud to be an American.  Dare I say it, I salute you, Miss Korto!  Keep up the good work....

...but go easy on Kenley, cuz I won't have nobody talking smack on my homegirl.

WTF, USA?

Lest ye assume that the Season 5 designers were the only ones missing the point of the Olympic Games, I give you, Ralph Lauren's Vision of Team USA!

(Complete with fearless leader, of course.)

So, to be clear, we are a nation of US Airways pilots, in, um, newsboy caps. And the one in the middle? He's in charge.

I'd like a one-way ticket to the Republic of Cocktail Land, please.

House of Plain

I am personally offended by the following barrage of bland:

Ugh!  I can't even say it's vanilla. It's the stuff they call "vanilla" when you get frozen kefir, but really, it tastes more like "plain."

In fashion (and in my opinion, in life) there is no greater sin than vanilla. The whole point of getting dressed each day, is to tell the world something about yourself with what you throw on. I mean, I guess there's also some utilitarian purpose to robing...like, to keep warm...or abide by laws and societal norms...but really, really, it's to broadcast. A designer should fundamentally understand that...and not just understand it, but encourage it!  Unfortch, from day one, Jennifer has shrouded her model in loose fitting fabric, dowdy designs, and humble hues.

Sorry, Ringo, mais, putting a gorgeous girl with a perfect body in the outfits above is a traveshamockery of the worst degree.  And, yeah, I guess her very first attempt was cute(ish), but I feel like, given more paper towels, she'd have made that lil' number floor length!  Bottom line: There's a difference between working what you got, and hiding what you got...and Jennifer? She's been playing hide n' seek all season.  

I will simply not have the rest of the world think that this aesthetic represents our entire great nation. Kudos to you, judges, for recognizing that it's better to walk out the door in a floppy, polka dot hat, than to never get noticed at all.